Weblog

Saturday, 14 April 2012

  • I fucking HATE having a roommate...

    I detest living with other people.

    I am currently living with my fiance's cousin. She is a very nice girl for letting me live with her don't get me wrong. But my GOD if something I have done or not done bothers you PLEASE tell me so I can make sure I do/don't do what you want in your house.

    I really try. When you cook(and you are just cooking for you, not me) I tell you "Leave everything in the sink, I'll do the dishes don't worry about it." I always take out the trash. If I use something I usually always ask or if it is food I replace it.

    Times are hard for me right now. I work in a business where I work off tips alone, I never know what I am going to make. And not having a car currently with the combination of not making any money it is hard for me to get a ride from here to work, especially since we live in Addison and everyone thinks that is like the other side of the world because they all live in south dallas.

    I had 28$ today. I spent most of it on groceries because I had eatten some of your food.

    Yes, I am sorry about yesterday and leaving dishes in the sink and the trash bag out. I have never done that. Obviously, I must have been in a rush and forgotten. Which was true. What you do not know is I came home at 4am after getting off work and sat out side for almost 4 hours waiting on you to wake up because you had locked the other lock preventing me from getting in the house. Did I say anything? No. Did I clean up my mess? Yes.

    What I'm saying is, is that people fucking suck...and its usually because you have to live with them. I know many people who have lost friends due to this "roommate" thing. Because when its your house and things are not done the way you want it you get irritated I realise that. But again, I AM TRYING MY BEST WITH WHAT I HAVE. So please, at least look at that.

    But that's ok, I will kill with kindness. I will clean the whole fucking house so spotless everything will sparkle and fry your corneas.

    Then what will you have to say?

    So, the lesson I've learned...mostly, NEVER FUCKING HAVE A ROOMATE!

    But if it happens, be easy on them if they usually are clean, nice, and don't bother you and happen to leave a mess one day. Know that it was most likely forgotten and they will get to it when they get home. They didn't realize the TV was that loud. They did not mean to leave the AC on when they left the house. Whatever the fucking case that bothers you and it is a first time occurrence just know that they are most likely sorry and going to correct the problem and also make sure it doesn't happen in the future.

    Uhg. Still needless to say, I will never have a roommate unless there is no other choice like currently.

    Fuck you people. Just...fuck you.

    I'm out.

Sunday, 08 April 2012

  • I've learned to stop planning for things...

    Or getting my hopes up for something.

    Everything planned always goes as unplanned. Yeah, you can quote me on that shit.

    "If you want something bad enough you'll get it."

    Which is true in some cases, IE. Beating cancer, other disease related things, winning the lottery(still less probable than beating cancer), those little things people call "blessings" to sum it all up.

    But fuck its always the most typical everyday shit that never goes the way you want it to.

    IE. no traffic when you're late to anything, money falling from the skies, planning to go out with a bunch of friends and two show up(none in the worse cases), thinking you are going to have a good day and it ends up being one of those "Of course that would happen this has to be the worse day possible...", and that damn unicorn that no one ever gave me damn it!

    Needless to say(aside from the unicorn.) everyday it seems some type of stupid retarded plan falls through. I got all excited only for that little devil on my should to laugh at me when I get all sad faced cause said thing fell through.

    Needless to say I wish everyone could be cool like me and actually do what they say...oh wait...we're all the same.

    A bunch of assholes who can't keep their word.

    uhg.

    Rant over.

    Probably have some gay epiphany 20 minutes from now. Guess you'll see if I do.

    Till then...TRY AND DO WTF YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE GONNA DO OR DON'T SAY YOU WILL AT ALL.

    Stay classy, Xanga.

Saturday, 07 April 2012

  • “Relaxation means releasing all concern and tension...

    and letting the natural order of life flow through one's being”- Donald Curtis

    This entry will be short and probably not too insightful.

    It is 2 in the morning. Some how I ended up not going to bed till about 11am this morning, which caused me to sleep till 10:30pm.

    Obviously I didn't have to work lol

    Anyhow, I got up made some amazing spring pasta. watched misery. did some laundry. and have pretty much just been relaxing.

    Room mate is in Houston so I have the house all to myself. Figure I'll do the real cleaning tomorrow.

    I haven't looked at my phone all day, nor do I really want to.

    I think that this weekend is going to be a time to seclude myself from everyone and just relax. Be able to sleep in. Not worry about money. work on my book. and not have to step away and take deep breaths cause I think I'm going to have a panic attack.

    Needless to say I was at that point. Crying for no reason, ect.

    But I think with this time to myself with no stress and just imersing myself in the fantasy of my own mind I'll be able to come back to real life with a fresh mindset.

    I hope everyone else gets the time to relax as well.

    See ya later Space Cowboy...

Friday, 06 April 2012

  • "To write, you have to risk making a fool of yourself..."

    Title quote by Anne Rice.

    And I was going to start this one off differently but...shitttt!

    That last entry sure got a hell of a lot of views. Wow. Thank You world wide web. :]

    I hope that by reading that last entry I've changed some lives and some views, that's what we're all here for in the long run right? To make an impact in someone else's life?

    Anyhow, aside from writing my own whiny thoughts(lol) on here I also write fiction. As of lately I haven't really written anything, nor had the time to be honest.

    But from taking much needed time off of work and sitting in front of my computer watching netflix all of the movies have sparked some...creativity.

    And with as many silly stories I've written yesterday was the first time in...well a long damn time that I've actually gotten some feed back.

    I must say...it feels good. Mind you even if they had said "Your writing is shit. gtfo." I wouldn't have minded at all. Negative feed back is better than none at all. At least I would know that I'd have to change something up. It wouldn't make me cry. It wouldn't hurt my feelings. Opinions are opinions. And even if I may not agree with your's I will still listen. So needless to say I've very excited to see where this will go. Though honestly usually when I begin to write I usually know how it will begin and how it will end and just kind of go with it in the middle till it comes to that ending point. But this time...I have no fucking clue. lol

    I guess it will just have to build, grow, might be interesting cause its going to be very unpredictable and not to just the readers but to me as well. Maybe doing it like this will make for some success. Not that I plan on getting it published, just success in the self gratification of that 1) I actually finished writing a book for once. and 2) That I actually got it out there and people really read it, it had fans, and they loved it.

    So far I've only got 2 chapters online (3 is in progress and should be up by tonight.)

    Take a peek at it, you might like it.

    http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/23476784/hidden-in-the-nightvampire-story-1

    And please, give feed back. Whether you love it or hate it I would honestly love to hear the public's opinion. :]

    Now on to my monatonous personal life...

    T IS GETTING OUT OF JAIL! Finally.

    Thought I was going to go on a murder spree from the stress, but it'll all be okay. Thank god.

    I lost a friend...well because he wasn't a very good friend. Chapter over, move on with my life story.

    Long story short, no man whom is 13yrs older than a woman should get mad because they borrowed money from said woman and refused to pay it back acting as if she OWED you that money when it was lent. I do not tolerate leeches. So done. Story over, thought you were a better person but obviously you have more lessons to learn and maturity obviously does not come with age.

    Ah the things you learn in life. I swear its like every day of my life I'm learning something new about it and always having some silly epifany about life. Then again I guess that's the whole point of it huh? Live&learn.

    I had an interesting one a few days ago.

    I was having a conversation with someone and some how it got to the point of this...

    Me: Uhg, I could just kill myself!(Being dramatic as always lol)

    Friend: Don't say things like that, you're young. You have so much to live for.

    Me: I was being sarcastic but you learn after trying so many times and when it doesn't work obviously you're supposed to be here for some reason.

    BAM! Epiphany smack right to the head!

    Its so true too. I had a nurse in the hospital once tell me(in one of my failed attempts.) "Suicide is the most selfish and cowardly way to go. No matter who you are or what you've done no one deserves to leave this world with that hanging on their soul." By god she was right. The words seemed so harsh at the time they actually made me mad. But the truth is and its said so many times and everyone has heard this probably as much as you've heard the word "hello" But I'll refresh your memory nonetheless, everyone has a place in this world and though you may not know it now you are meant to be here. Or something along those lines, but either way you get the idea and this goes back to my last post. Even though everything seems like shit right now, it will get better sometime. You have to learn to take the little things into account. Can't pay your bills? At least you're still breathing and have the means to bounce back from it. I hate to sound cliche but at least you're not in Africa starving and doomed to dying at 20 from AIDS. Not that is a little over the top but hey, still logical nonetheless.

    I just want everyone to know that I realized somethings. We are all meant to be here, if we weren't we wouldn't have showed up in the first place. You have a part in this world, whether its our next presedent or the guy who cooks the fries at McDonald's. No matter how great or miniscule your impact on this world is you were meant to make one of some kind. And people may not show you, but I will tell you. I love you for it. I love you for every little thing you do. Good or bad. Small or great. I love you for it. Because as long as you're living you have to realize this, you're doing one thing right at the very least.

    Till the next time I have another silly epiphany or lesson learned.

    Live on children of earth.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

  • “You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens...

    I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life
    is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so
    much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.”-?

    I don't know who the hell said the quote and frankly I don't care but damn how I think that almost every day of my miserable(being dramatic) life.

    Every time I think of someone from the past, shit who is still in my life NOW I wonder do we really realize how much every person's influence has on each other?

    I couldn't even begin to tell you...well I could but it would make for a verrrryyyy long entry.

    But back to it, I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I've changed over the years and I know exactly why I am the way I am to this day.

    Whether it was an event or a person in my life I am human and I finally get that. Being human makes me impressionable, and everything I've ever surrounded myself with has influenced me. Though I'm not perfect and not completely proud of who I am at least I can say I am proud.

    I'm happy with my mistakes.

    I'm happy with my ruined friendships and relationships.

    I'm glad I've had these experiences because its taught me so much.

    Most people would say "I'll hope through my experience I can lead my children through a good life." but the truth is...I know I won't be able to do that. I may tell them one day of the lessons I've learned but what I know is that you can not tell a child how to deal with a situation. They have to learn it on their own. My mother told me soooo many things, things if I had listen I would have never made those mistakes. But I'm glad I didn't listen, because now I know. I'm glad for the experience. Because if I didn't figure it out for myself then I wouldn't know what I know now...and honestly...I'd be so afraid. Cause I'd be clueless. Though I wouldn't know it(No pun intended...) I'd be lost. I can't imagine what I'd be like. would I be different? Of course. Would things be better? Possibly. But they could also be worse.

    I honestly have thought, "What if..."? But honestly when it comes down to it I wouldn't change a damn thing. I believe its true what they say, every event, ever person, they have a place in our lives and if we had never met that person or that event good or bad whatever the case never happened our lives would be VERY different. And honestly as I've said and I'll say many times again my life is far from perfect but I wouldn't have it any other way.

    I'd rather make mistakes, and though they suck at the time at least in the long run I'm learning something and I'm not walking through my life on egg shells afraid of every turn. Fuck the sidewalk, I want to walk in the middle of the road. The normal way home? I'll take the dark alley shortcut. I will not live in fear of my actions, but bask in the glory of my knowledge from the lessons I've learned from said actions.

    Honestly I tickle myself...I sound as if this had been my life goal. The anthem I live by, but really I've just came to the realization. Theres no need to be afraid anymore. Who cares what the future will bring? All I can do is take it day by day and work through it.

    For fucking 18 years...shit who am I kidding, for TWENTY FUCKING YEARS(my whole life) I've been stuck in this stupid mutt. Being depressed, feeling as if nothing is ever going to go right.

    Well I get it now, nothing is supposed to go right. And even though I envy those who's life is perfect(assholes.) I know its really not, it may be better than mine sure, but really...I'd rather have my life than your's any day. Because I know how to deal with it, and I continue too. But I refuse to be down on myself anymore. Who cares if I have no money?(bill collectors X|) I'll find a way. Just got my heart broken? ITS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Its not the end of the world. Someone dies? Celebrate their life don't dwell on their death. and so many other things that would take a life time to type.

    Maybe I'll do it one day.

    Write down everything I've ever learned about life.

    Maybe I should start?

    Write down said lesson after its learned.(otherwise I wouldn't be able to recall the lesson unless the situation called for it lol)

    Who knows, maybe pass it down to my children when the time comes.

    Or maybe I won't...people need to learn their lessons on their on. And honestly I wish someone wouldn't have tried to TELL me wheat to do...just WARN me.

    Don't make a demand, make a suggestion.

    That's the only thing I wish to change about myself, and maybe I'll get it one day...but DAMN I need to learn how to listen.

    I openly admit to not being right all the time.(Then again who is?) But shit, I'm so stubborn when it comes to taking advice.

    Shit, I barely take my own!

    My point is its time to learn and take the lessons others give me.

     

    On another note...

    Its happened again.

    He's in jail...again.

    Though this time its my fault, and I think this could possibly be one of the biggest lessons I've learn and either bring T and I closer or tare us apart.

    So far its brought us closer.

    Before I was his but we weren't together.

    He didn't want a girlfriend.

    Then he told me he was never in love with me...but now and honestly I don't know if its an act or not and if it will be like this when he gets out and honestly I'm prepared for things to not work when he does get out. I'm not setting myself up for disaster I'm just saying, I'm prepared...

    Anyways, now he wants to get married.

    He wants to have babies.

    Hes wants to settle down.

    He loves me.

    And after all this time of the fighting, the bullshit, this bi polar mess we call us I'm excited. :]

    It sounds so stupid but I'm ready for it.

    I need this.

    I need him.

    I love him and I want nothing more to be with him, no matter how dysfunctional we are.

    No matter how hurt, how mad...I'm still happy nonetheless.

    I can't wait for the rest of my life to begin.

    No matter what, no matter the tears, the smiles, the heartache, those stupid butterflies that make my stomach itch, I know in the end I'll be happy.

    I honestly for once truly believe it.

    I have no doubts,no regrets. The only one I ever want to have is the regret of not experiencing everything to the fullest.

    I think that's pretty easy to handle. :]

    Stay easy Internet people.

    I'll be back when I'm feeling emotional and am ready to contradict this WHOLLLEEE post.

    But its okay, at least I can admit it.

    Like I've said, we're meant to fuck up.

    And I'm ready to learn my next lesson, so lets get to making some mistakes. :]

mary_mayhemxxx

  • Visit mary_mayhemxxx's Xanga Site
    • Name: mary_mayhemxxx
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/10/2008

Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

About Me

  • I've been apart of xanga for years, this is just a new profile. I've come here pretty much to get the stuff out of my head that I need to. I don't need judgments. kthnx. I over think everything and obviously have too many thoughts running around my head...so expect a lot of same day posts. To get to know more go to myspace.com/youstupidwhore

Pulse

Recommended

[no recommendations]